seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
