I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
