capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
