Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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