he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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