I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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