genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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