That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The power of my boobs compel you
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
