mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
