Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
