i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
