Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
