I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
