the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we're so committed to being not committed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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