the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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