why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
