YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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