she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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