Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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