I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
