some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
