I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
