I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
