i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
