I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
