A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize