The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
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I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
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He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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