That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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