don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
