piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
