Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
