If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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