just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
