My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
