the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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