I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
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I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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