i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Randomize
