So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
