I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
