he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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