Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
