ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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