I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
