Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
