I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
