Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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