i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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