So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
