this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
