How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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