You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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