apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
