If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
