i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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